


breathe my name

by stellarays (stylinsonduo)



Category: The Society (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, i don't know how to tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-03-09 16:56:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18921205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stylinsonduo/pseuds/stellarays
Summary: what happens when Grizz returns?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey y'all I haven't written fic in forever, but i was inspired. please leave comments down below if you want me to continue!
> 
> edit: new title! taken from the song "just like heaven" by the cure, which plays during prom in the show :)

Sam is lucky that the expedition crew leaves when they do. He’s lucky that their trip lines up so well with Becca’s labor. He’s lucky, because he has no time to dwell on Grizz. No time that is, until night comes and Becca’s eyelids grow heavy and she’s consumed by sleep completely, exhausted by all the energy her– their baby is requiring. 

It’s in the stillness of the night that Sam’s longing creeps up on him, making his entire being ache with want. He’s ashamed of how many nights he sneaks away for as long as he can, hiding behind a locked door while his mind fills with thoughts of Grizz. He remembers the way Grizz had smelled, both before they had even kissed and long after when they were lying in bed together, Grizz curled tightly around Sam. 

And sure enough, each time after Sam had had his moment of want, he’d remember the way Grizz’s eyes had welled up with tears, the way his face had crumpled when they had told him that Sam was the father. Sam couldn’t forget the heartbreak that had painted itself so clearly across Grizz’s face, and he couldn’t understand why he was the only one to see it. 

Every night, and in every other moment of stillness, Sam would think about Grizz. He would pray for Grizz’s safe return, and pray a bit more that somehow Grizz would forgive him.

––––––––––

Sam hadn’t been there when the expedition party had returned. He had been holding Becca’s hand, smiling at Eden, completely wrapped up in the tiny world they had created within the hospital. After Eden was born, Sam knew that biology or not, he was her father. One look at her sweet face, and he knew he’d do anything for her. 

Becca gently passed the now sleeping Eden into Sam’s arms, picking up her phone. Sam rocked the baby ever so slightly, watching Becca’s expression. He watched as her face lit up and for the second time he saw hope fill her eyes. 

_The expedition party is back. They found what they were looking for_ , she signed. Sam immediately felt the hope and relief he knew she was experiencing. They would be okay, and more importantly, Eden would be okay. 

“Is everyone okay?” Sam asked aloud, unable to sign while he held Eden. Becca paused and Sam’s body filled with ice. 

_I’m not sure, Gordie didn’t say_ , came her response. Sam quickly began to hand Eden back to her, keeping his eyes down, not wanting her to see the panic that was bubbling inside of him. She took the baby and he immediately stood up, already planning on where he was going to go. 

_I need to make sure everyone is okay. I’ll be back soon_ , Sam quickly signed, almost too quick for Becca to read. Sam risked a glance, meeting Becca’s eyes. It hurt him to see her concern, but even more it hurt to see her confusion. It was a reminder that he hadn’t told his best friend about the one thing, the one person he couldn’t stop thinking about. _I’ll explain when I get back_ , he promised, before turning and all but running to search for Grizz. 

––––––––

Sam hadn’t gotten far from the hospital when he saw a tall, achingly familiar figure walking toward him. At the sight of Grizz’s figure, Sam felt a flurry of overwhelming emotions that simply pushed him forward, running to Grizz.

They met halfway, both of them breathless. Sam took in every inch of Grizz’s face, lightly running his fingers along his distinct jawline and the line of his nose. He needed to feel Grizz, to make sure he was really there.

Sam didn’t realize he was crying until Grizz reached up to wipe away a tear. “It’s only been two weeks,” he said with a slight smile, but Sam could see the redness in the other boy’s eyes. 

“You aren’t fooling me, tough guy” Sam teased with a teary grin. It was in that moment that he knew for a fact that he couldn’t afford to fuck it up anymore with Grizz. “I have a lot to tell you,” Sam admitted. “I’m so sorry.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for the kudos and kind words! i have decided to make this a multichapter work!! i hope you all enjoy <3
> 
> this chapter is particularly angsty, but i promise there will be a happy ending!

“I’m so sorry.” Three words that Grizz rarely took lightly, he knew that Sam truly meant them.

Grizz waited, Sam’s hands holding his face while his own slightly gripped Sam’s waist. He waited for the explanation that he could feel on the tip of Sam’s tongue. He watched as Sam opened and closed his mouth, fumbling. Grizz could feel his insides turn cold, could feel himself shutting Sam out the longer they stood there in silence. Finally, Grizz pulled away. 

Pain flooded Sam’s face and stayed there. Grizz couldn’t bear it, but he couldn’t be Sam’s side piece either. He was already in far too deep when it came to Sam, he knew it would kill him to watch Sam be a father without him. To only get to express how he felt about Sam in the shadows.

“I’m sorry too,” Grizz finally said, breaking the silence that had grown between them. He turned, not wanting Sam to see the tears he couldn’t hold back. 

“Grizz!” Sam yelled. Grizz didn’t turn around. Before he had left, he had given Sam a second chance. He thought things were going to change, to get better when he returned. This had proven him wrong. Grizz wouldn’t let himself get toyed around, but he’d be damned if it didn’t nearly kill him in the process.

While he’d been gone, his thoughts had been ruled by Sam. His dreams were riddled with Sam’s shock of red hair and sparkling blue eyes. He couldn’t forget Sam’s warmth under his fingertips. He couldn’t forget Sam, and out in that forest he hadn’t wanted to. Out in the forest he’d had hope.

Now, Grizz saw how silly and childish that hope had been. None of them were allowed to be kids anymore, especially Sam. He was a father for Christ’s sake. 

“Grizz. Stop,” Sam begged, grabbing Grizz’s arm. Grizz whirled around, forgetting for a moment that he hadn’t wanted Sam to see how much he was breaking. Grizz watched Sam’s jaw drop. Grizz’s face was red and puffy, tears streaming down his cheeks freely. 

“You’re _killing_ me,” Grizz spat, but this time he couldn’t turn back around. It had taken all his strength to turn his back on Sam before, he didn’t think he could do it again. “I like you so much, and you just keep digging your knife in my back a little deeper.” Grizz knew he wasn’t making sense, and he knew he was being mean to the one person he never wanted to hurt, but fuck, Sam had hurt him bad. He couldn’t stop himself. 

Sam’s face now mirrored what he assumed his own looked like. Sam’s hand remained on Grizz’s arm, his hand gripping so hard it almost hurt, but he seemed to curl in on himself, shrinking. Grizz watched as Sam desperately tried to wipe away his tears with his free hand and felt the guilt hit him all at once. Grizz crumpled too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also– sorry this chapter is kind of short! i want to finish this work so badly (i have a problem when it comes to finishing fics) so i'm just trying to follow the inspiration! i think i'm going to alternate POVs for each chapter too, so we'll hear from sam next!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here is chapter three! another short one, but what can i say, i am a sucker for vignettes. enjoy <3
> 
> and please let me know what you think! i love hearing from readers hehe

Grizz crumpled too.

Sam felt impossibly small standing out in the cold, holding onto Grizz’s arm as if his life depended on it (because it did, really). He was no stranger to feeling small, especially with Campbell as his brother, but this time was different. This time he knew that with one wrong move, he’d lose the one person he wasn’t sure he could live without. 

“I want to… to tell you everything,” Sam said, finally. He kept his eyes trained on the ground as he spoke, something he rarely did due to his deafness, but at the moment he couldn’t stand to see the pain he’d caused Grizz anymore. “But not all of it is my truth to tell,” he finally concluded. Slowly, he raised his eyes to look at Grizz’s face. 

Grizz stood over him, the gentle breeze ruffling the hair that so perfectly framed the taller boy’s face. His eyes were redder than ever, but he had stopped actively crying. Sam wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. 

“Right now, all I can do is promise you this,” Sam continued, “I have never felt this way about anyone else, Gareth Visser. I like you, a lot. And… I don’t- I can’t lose you. Not now.” Although he couldn’t hear himself say the words, Sam could feel the way his voice shook. He only hoped that the sincerity of his words came through, and that Grizz believed him. 

Sam looked at Grizz searchingly, anxious for his response. He watched as Grizz opened his mouth. He watched the way Grizz’s lips formed his name– _Sam_. 

“Sam… I really like you too, but… I have to take care of myself. I don’t want to have to keep hiding. I can’t keep hiding,” Grizz admitted. He had spoken slowly, _carefully_ , Sam thought. 

Then, as if in a movie, Grizz leaned forward into Sam, his hands gripping the smaller boy’s forearms. Sam leaned into Grizz, savoring the feeling of his lips pressed against Grizz’s. The kiss itself was incredibly soft and gentle, but full of far too many muddled feelings to name. Sam could feel Grizz’s tears on his own cheeks. He reached his hands up, cupping Grizz’s face as tenderly as he could. 

And then it was over, and Sam was stuck watching Grizz’s back move further and further away from where he stood, rooted in silence.

––––––––––

Eventually, Sam found it in himself to move again. He felt incredibly detached, still unsure if his and Grizz’s… reunion had actually happened in the first place. He moved on autopilot, heading towards the only home he knew at this point: the hospital.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here is chapter four!! i had to completely rewrite it after realizing what i had originally written was too ooc oops lol. anyways, there's not a huge amount of grizzam but... plot is important too (right?) (i hope?) it'll pick up soon! i hope y'all enjoy, leave a comment if you feel like it! i love reading them, they inspire me to keep going!! <3
> 
> note- the first and last parts are supposed to take place in the present (one week after the search party returns), the middle bits are in the past

The hospital. If there was one place Gareth Visser could stand to avoid for the rest of his life, it would be that damn hospital. So it was only natural that that was the place he was now sprinting toward, praying he’d find safety only a week after his return to New Ham.

––––––––––

Grizz would be lying if he claimed that a fairly significant part of him had not wanted desperately to follow Sam to the hospital, to hear him out, to believe that there might be a future for them. But growing up in West Ham with his parents had taught him otherwise. Grizz wanted to be an optimist, but not at the cost of his self-worth. 

So, he left. He’d kissed Sam for what he assumed was the last time and all but ran. He had returned to his house, which had been empty since Cassandra’s death. It felt strange to be back there and not at Allie’s. If he was being honest, Allie’s had felt more like a home than his own ever had. And now he was alone. And completely heartbroken.

That first night back, Grizz had stood in front of his father’s liquor cabinet, unable to ignore the desire for the numb, stupid happiness that alcohol always brought him. But just as he began to reach for a bottle, he was reminded of the way alcohol had ruined his parents. Alcoholism ran in his family, and if there was one thing that Grizz was certain of, it was that he didn’t want to end up like his parents. 

Instead, Grizz chose to hole himself up in his room, burying his nose in a book he’d read countless times since his grandmother had gifted it to him when he was young: _The Little Prince_. It was the first book that had shown him the beauty words could hold, if only arranged a certain way. He’d never looked at the world quite the same after reading it, and appreciated that the book changed as he did. Its familiar words were a comfort at this point, but he endlessly admired the way each time he read it he took away something new.

This time, it was what Saint-Exupéry had to say about love: “Eyes are blind. You have to look with the heart.” Grizz knew this to be true, but nonetheless is mind stayed at war with his heart. He closed the book, figuring that he’d had enough emotional crises to last a lifetime. Now, he just wanted someone to talk to.

––––––––––

“Grizz, are you okay?” was what Bean greeted him with as soon as he opened his front door. 

Not wanting to get into it, Grizz replied: “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Oh, uh, sorry then. I just thought– I wasn’t expecting… you just don’t usually text me is all,” she finally admitted, sheepishly looking everywhere but at Grizz. Grizz simply smiled, he was honestly happy she’d even shown up at all. He’d realized with Allie under arrest and Luke doing… whatever the fuck he was doing, Grizz didn’t have many people he felt comfortable turning to. He was grateful for Bean’s kindness.

“I’m sorry this was so out of the blue, I guess I just wanted some company. How is Gordie doing?” he chose to direct the conversation away from himself, not quite feeling in the mood to open himself up completely to Bean quite yet. Grizz hated vulnerability. His father had taught him– albeit indirectly, the trouble that being vulnerable got you in. Grizz’s guarded exterior wasn’t necessarily true to who he was, but at this point he felt it a necessary part of protecting himself.

“Honestly, Gordie isn’t doing too well. I’m not sure that anyone is, not with Campbell running the show like he is. He’s got the guard and the ‘mayors’ under his control. We’re screwed,” Bean looked scared. Grizz didn’t blame her. 

“I kind of wish we could go back out into the forest, find that land again…” Grizz trailed off, dreaming of how much simpler things might have been had he stayed in the forest. 

“I know what you mean,” she nodded. “But Grizz? I think… I think we need you more than you know.” The nervousness from before had returned and Grizz looked at her quizzically. “With everything that’s been going on… you are the only remaining member of the Guard who isn’t corrupt. Most of the original team has switched sides or been detained, you’re one of the few left.” Grizz shuddered at the thought. He wasn’t cut out to be a leader. He wasn’t even sure he was cut out for this whole creating a new civilization thing.

“Please, don’t say that.”

––––––––––

Bean’s words had gotten to him, as much as he would have prefered to simply stick his head in the sand and ignore the complete shitshow that New Ham had become, he couldn’t. Not with his stupid sense of responsibility and concern for his peers. _We need you more than you know_ , repeated in his mind as he approached Harry’s house a week after his return. 

When he arrived at the door, he was not so kindly greeted by Jason.

“What do you want, Grizz?” he had barked, standing up from his seat in the lawn.

“Am I not allowed to talk to Harry? I literally just saved our asses by finding land. I thought he and Lexie would want to know,” Grizz couldn’t help the venom that slipped into his words. He knew that his friends were idiots, but he didn’t think they were this stupid. The power they had been given had gone to their heads and it sickened Grizz. He remembered why he had been so willing to leave them behind after graduation clearly. 

Jason had keeled over at that, apparently still having some degree of respect for Grizz. 

Although he was so anxious he thought he might faint, Grizz walked into Harry’s house looking to be the picture of the phrase “cool, calm, and collected.” He had a job to do, and Grizz was not one to shirk his duties. 

“Harry, Lexie, with all due respect: what the fuck are you doing?”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! here's the latest update! my goal for each chapter is to get at least 600 words, which i know is sort of short for fics, but it's also more my style. i hope that's ok! please enjoy~

“What the fuck are you doing?” Sam could see Becca’s lips form the words, no doubt full of venom and anger. He kept his eyes determinedly on her, fully knowing he wouldn’t be able to keep up his composure if he looked at the tall boy standing in the doorway of the hospital room they’d been staying in. 

After his last interaction with Grizz, Sam had been unable to keep what they had had a secret from Becca any longer. He’d returned to her and sweet Eden a complete mess. As he had told her everything, he watched the shift of her emotions: from concern, to gentle excitement, to pure rage. 

_He doesn’t deserve you,_ she had signed when his hands had finally stopped moving. Sam had just shaken his head. He could never regret promising to be Eden’s father, but he could only try and imagine how Grizz must have felt, walking into the hospital and seeing the truth. The truth Sam had been too scared to tell him himself. 

Now, Grizz had come right back into his life and he was doing all he could not to break down crying. 

“You need to leave,” Becca said, still able to hold onto her strong personality despite being bedridden. “Haven’t you done enough?” Sam felt bad that Grizz had to experience Becca’s wrath, but it made a tiny bit of him feel a little bit better too. Who said Grizz was the only one allowed to be mad?

Becca paused, obviously listening to whatever Grizz had to say. Certainly not for the first time, Sam wished he could hear, if only to avoid looking at Grizz even longer. Unfortunately, his curiosity got the best of him and he turned, bracing himself.

Grizz was a mess. There were dark circles under his eyes, which themselves were a shade of red that almost seemed unhealthy. He was panting heavily, sweat dripping down the sides of his face and his hair was an unruly mess. It had gotten longer while he’d been away, and now it stuck up in odd places, clearly unbrushed. What Sam noticed the most though, was the way Grizz’s hands shook and the fear in his eyes. They darted restlessly between Becca, the baby, and Sam, unable to settle on one place. Then, it clicked. Grizz was _running_. 

“I don’t know what to do, Becca. _Please_ , let me stay,” was all Sam caught of whatever Grizz had been saying. He had signed the “please,” so he must’ve noticed that Sam was now watching. 

Sam turned back to Becca. Whatever Grizz had said, he must have gotten to her because her expression had softened considerably and she was nodding. She looked at Sam then, her hands moving quickly to explain what had just happened.

 _Grizz upset Campbell and the Guard is looking for him now. He’s asked to hide here until he can figure out what to do. He has nowhere else to go_. She turned back to Grizz, but Sam missed what she said as his eyes fell downward. Grizz’s presence in his life had caused him so much emotional turmoil in such a short period of time, and now he was being asked to let him back in? It was too much. Sam started to shake his head, hoping he could hold back his tears just a moment more before he had Becca kick Grizz out. 

Then, a gentle hand on Sam’s shoulder pulled him out of his downward spiral. He looked up, his eyes meeting Grizz’s warm, deep brown ones. 

_I’m sorry_ , he signed. His lips moved perfectly in sync and his hands were steady, practiced. Sam couldn’t stop the flow of tears any longer. Grizz stood over him, hovering, waiting for some sort of response.

Sam stood up from where he sat, grabbed Grizz’s hand tightly, and hurried away from Becca, pulling Grizz the entire way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> where is this story going?? your guess is as good as mine lol
> 
> i'm having a really good time writing this, i hope y'all are having a good time reading it!
> 
> please continue to comment, hearing what y'all have to say makes my day and honestly makes writing this so much easier!!!!! 
> 
> love u all <3 p.s. my tumblr is stellarays.tumblr.com if you wanna hmu!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! i am back!! i have been so tired lately it's been hard to write, but i'm not giving up!! please enjoy~
> 
> also-- any dialogue in italics is being signed!

Sam had kept his hand tightly around Grizz’s wrist, a grounding presence as Grizz tried to come down from the panic that had wound itself up deep inside him. He kept his eyes on the sight of Sam’s delicate fingers wrapped around Grizz’s wrist. He focused on calming his breathing. He tried desperately to believe that things were going to be okay.

Grizz hadn’t really said anything that crazy to Harry, Lexie, and Campbell. At least he hadn’t gone in there planning to, but when it came down to it, Grizz couldn’t sit idly by and watch them ruin everything. So he’d told them as much, effectively implicating that he was going to fight back. Campbell did not like that– to say the least. He had sicced the Guard on Grizz almost immediately, causing Grizz to do the only thing left: run. 

Sam stopped, pulling Grizz out of his daze. The tall boy raised his eyes slowly, still nervous to look at Sam too closely or for too long. He felt that if he dared look to long, the spell would be broken, Sam would decide to show Grizz the same lack of kindness he had received a week ago. To his relief, Sam smiled– if only slightly. 

_In here_ , he mouthed and signed, before pulling Grizz into a small room. It was pitch black, but Grizz could feel how cramped it was. There was some quiet shuffling and then a click– a single light bulb illuminated the supply closet the two boys now stood together in. Grizz could feel Sam’s breath on his neck and their proximity would be uncomfortable if they didn’t have an indescribably comforting feeling shared between them. Grizz figured it had something to do with Sam being the first person he was actually able to be vulnerable with. _He_ had turned his back on Sam; miraculously Sam was still there for him.

Grizz met Sam’s eyes once again, hoping to convey the humor he saw in the utter cliche they were now living. He gestured around before giving a small grin. And then it happened. Sam giggled. His nose and eyes scrunched and he brought his hand up to hide his beautiful smile. Grizz could not ignore the flutter that ran through his entire body at the sight. How had he ever walked away from Sam? 

“I’ve never heard you giggle before,” was all Grizz could say, like a complete idiot. Sam blushed, surprise moving across his face.

“I don’t usually?” came Sam’s answer, but it sounded more like a question. The laughter from before remained in his eyes and finally Grizz started to feel like he could breathe again.

Grizz slowly reached forward, grabbing Sam’s hand as gently as possible before pulling the boy to sit on the ground. While he was still standing, Sam turned off the light. 

“We’re hiding,” he explained to the darkness. Grizz frowned, he wanted to see Sam, and more importantly he wanted to talk to him. 

Before Grizz could fully react, Sam had pulled out his phone, unlocking it so that a faint light shone upwards, allowing the boys to once again see one another. Grizz hadn’t thought it possible, but Sam looked even more stunning in the faint blue-toned light. They sat there for a solid minute, simply drinking each other in.

“I know I said it before but… _I’m sorry_ ,” Grizz finally started. Sam opened his mouth to respond, but Grizz held up his hand stopping him. “I fucked up, Sam. I don’t know what I was thinking– I mean I do, but I was so, so wrong.” Sam stayed still, his eyes searching Grizz’s face. “I mean– well, I still stand by what I said, but….” Grizz ran his hands down his face, frustrated with his inability to effectively communicate what he was trying to say. “I should have heard you out. You wanted to tell me something and I didn’t listen. That was wrong of me. I am so sorry, Sam” he finally admitted, holding eye contact with Sam the entire time. Grizz watched the other boy anxiously, waiting for any response at all and hoping desperately it was a positive one. 

His heart felt stuck in his throat as he watched Sam’s eyes well up with tears and instinctively, Grizz raised his hands, wanting to hold Sam’s face and wipe away his tears. At the last minute he stopped, looking ridiculous with his hands stuck in the air between them. 

And then Sam laughed again, except this time it was thick with tears and really more like a snort. Sam lead Grizz once again, showing him that it was okay for him to cup Sam’s face like he had so desperately wanted to. Grizz smiled, feeling tears fall down his own cheeks as he gently wiped away Sam’s. 

“I thought I lost you,” Sam whispered, and then Grizz really started to cry. Sam moved to cup Grizz’s face and they ended up sitting, holding each other as best they could in the awkward tiny space. 

“I don’t think that’s possible, Sam. I think you’re stuck with me,” Grizz responded.

“I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh and so ends the angst........... for now hehehehe 
> 
> i just couldn't keep them apart any longer ;; 
> 
> next chapter will sam FINALLY get to tell grizz the truth?!?!?! or will the guard interrupt????? who knows! see y'all soon <3
> 
> and let me know what you think in the comments!!!!!


End file.
